Unfortunately for you gullible lot out there, the infamous Twitter 'ITK' is usually about as reliable as Football Direct News, and each and every single one of them follow the same set of simple strategies to attract their followers.
If you're up for acquiring yourself a few thousand naive football followers this summer, consult the five simple rules below:
1) Profile picture
Don't even think about letting people know who you are, no, that would be too obvious. A black silhouette deep in thought is always a good shout - it's mysterious, depicts intelligence and creates that agent/detective sort of persona that transfer-cravers salivate over.
2) Display name
Get yourself over to one of those random name generator websites - they're perfect. You want something exotic, and if not, it's got to be sophisticated. Try Felipe Lopez for the international expert, or if you're going for the English Premier League know-it-all, Edward O'Donoghue could be an option.
If that's not your style and you just want to go all out, put 'Agent' or 'Mr' in front of your surname for a display name footy fans just won't be able to resist.
3) Bio
Your bio is possibly the most attractive part of your Twitter account. It's a mini-CV in which you can show off your best achievements, who you write for and what you do; but in the case of the 'ITK', a number of keywords must be included:
Let people know how many contacts you have; tell people you have sources; and possibly even claim you used to work for a particular club. Those three words should rake in the followers.
4) Master your pronouns
'ITK's' are actually linguistic geniuses and their pronoun use is enough to confuse even the likes of Stephen Fry. Whether you've created the page by yourself or with a couple of mates, make sure you change it up once in a while. Below are a few samples for you to try out:
- I have been in talks with the agent of...
- We understand that...
- My sources tell me...
- Our contacts at Manchester City tell us...
5) Rumours
Finally, no successful 'ITK' account has ever made it without a good few juicy rumours. As you sign off for your hours lunch break at Asda, follow these tips to fabricate one hell of a transfer story that will have the Retweet button begging for mercy.
- Think of a decent player e.g. Marco Reus
- Think of a decent side with a bit of money e.g. PSG
- Find out what his Football Manager valuation is e.g. £28.5m
- And finally, put that all into one big sentence with those key words I mentioned above and you'll have something like this: 'My sources at PSG tell me the club have made a £28.5m bid for Borussia Dortmund forward Marco Reus'.
How easy, and believable, is that?!
So, if you're bored like Indykaila this summer, it's not hard to gain yourself a few fake friends. Just follow the tips above and make sure to slag off the newspapers when they release your story the next day!
So, if you're bored like Indykaila this summer, it's not hard to gain yourself a few fake friends. Just follow the tips above and make sure to slag off the newspapers when they release your story the next day!
