Thursday 15 May 2014

Thursday's MCFC Transfer News

According to French newspaper L'Equipe, Manchester City are close to signing AS Roma defender Mehdi Benatia. The Moroccan joined i Giallorossi from Udinese last summer and contributed significantly to their second place finish this season in a back-line that conceded just 24 goals. The blues are ready to make Benatia their major signing of the summer but will have to battle with Barcelona and Bayern Munich for the £25m-rated stopper.

The Guardian report that Samir Nasri is considering international retirement after being omitted from Didier Deschamps' preliminary 30-man France World Cup squad. Nasri contributed 7 goals and 7 assists to Manchester City's fine 2013/2014 campaign that saw them pick up both the Capital One Cup and the Premier League title, but the 26-year-old will be watching the tournament elsewhere for the second time in four years.


(Nasri has made 41 appearances for the France national team)

"It's a little bit hard to accept. I need to take some time now to think about the national team because it's been twice now that they take away a World Cup from me," Nasri told Sky Sports News.

"You can go around and ask any player if they're happy to be on the bench, nobody's going to say yes. I need to think a little bit during the holiday, what will be my future in the national team, because missing two World Cups is really hard for a player."


(Nasri fired City to a final day victory over West Ham United on Sunday)

The Frenchman, who was awarded the Man of the Match award in City's last game of the season on Sunday, also revealed that he expected the news.

"I must confess, I knew before. Sometimes you have the feeling, when you call to speak to the manager and he doesn't want to speak to you, you know you're not going to go to the World Cup.

"It was a shock but I was prepared mentally. I'm okay. I respect his choice. He wanted to not pick me … good on him. I wish good luck to the French national team."

In Other News
In other news, Liverpool may have finished second in the league this season, but figures released by the Premier League yesterday have revealed that the Reds were the top earners as a result of 28 of their 38 league games being shown on live TV through either Sky Sports or BT Sport. The figures, shown in the Daily Express this morning, show that Liverpool earned almost £1m more than Manchester City despite missing out on the title. Cardiff City were the lowest earners, but still picked up a healthy sum of almost £63m.


(They may have been pipped to the trophy, but Liverpool still earned over £97m this season)

Wednesday 14 May 2014

Wednesday's MCFC Transfer News

According to the Daily Star, Arsenal and Manchester City will battle for the signature of Real Madrid wide-man Ángel di María this summer. The Argentine, who has scored four goals and made 15 assists this season, is understood to be surplus to requirements aftering angering club bosses by demanding a pay rise. Los Blancos will seek around £29m for the player they signed for a total of €36m four years ago and Manchester is believed to be his preferred destination.

Talk Sport report that Inter Milan have switched their attentions to Manchester City striker Álvaro Negredo. The Italian side have been linked strongly with moves for Chelsea striker Fernando Torres and fellow City forward Edin Džeko in the last two months, but are now believed to be keen on Negredo after Manuel Pellegrini ruled out the sale of the Bosnian. Negredo made a blistering start to life in the Premier League but has failed to score since the 21st January.


(Álvaro Negredo is attracting interest from Italy with Inter Milan reportedly set to make a bid for the Spaniard)

Portuguese journalist Gonçalo Lopes, who first broke the news of City's interest in FC Porto pair Eliaquim Mangala and Fernando Reges, has tweeted that the blues have reached an agreement with the two time Champions League winners for their Brazilian midfielder. The fee is reported to be around €20m.



(Gonçalo Lopes tweets the news to his followers yesterday)

In Other News
In other news, City pair Samir Nasri and Gaël Clichy have been left out of Didier Deschamps preliminary 30-man France squad for the World Cup. The pair have notched up a total of 61 caps between them and both got their hands on the Premier League and Capital One Cup trophy this season, but the French boss explained his controversial decision in an interview with TF1.

"He is a player of great quality, but Samir's performances for France have not been of the standard of those with his club Manchester City."


(The Manchester City pair will not join the France squad in Brazil this summer)

Sunday 11 May 2014

Manchester City 2 - 0 West Ham United

MANCHESTER CITY 2 - 0 WEST HAM UNITED
Nasri 39', Kompany 49'

The Placid One: Pellegrini propels City to the title

Poise, placidity and Manuel Pellegrini. It's been a season of triumphant ups and dejecting downs, but Manchester City were Rockin' All Over The World on Sunday afternoon as they lifted their second Premier League title in three years. Goals from Samir Nasri and Vincent Kompany sprinkled glitter on a reposeful performance from the blues and City's Chilean chancellor took to the sky blue skies under the appreciative arms of his title winning troops.

But even after securing his second domestic trophy in his first season in English football, Manuel Pellegrini is almost certainly set to be overlooked as the Premier League's Manger of the Year. A repugnant 2-2 draw at home to Sunderland just one month ago even tempted the media into calling for the South American's bushy head, but the point proved to be one gained rather than two lost on the final day of the season.


(Manuel Pellegrini is lauded by his players as they celebrate their title win)

Memories of 2012 poisoned the veins of City's supporters with a potent dose of apprehension ahead of the 15:00pm kick off, but the blues attacked the fixture in the serene manner Manuel Pellegrini had encouraged all season. Although the hosts may have needed 39 minutes to grab their opener, the late heroics of Sergio Agüero were never likely to be called upon with City enjoying complete control of the game. Pellegrini's men had enjoyed 67% of the possession before Samir Nasri fired them into the lead with six minutes left to play of the first half, and the goal commenced a Poznanic party that was never going to be gate-crashed. With the first half approaching its latter stages, the Frenchman launched a stinging 20-yard drive that flew through the hands of goalkeeper Adrián to give City a deserved lead.


(Samir Nasri celebrates his 39th minute opener)

In a game that required team cohesion over individual brilliance, the blues mingled magnificently to showcase the togetherness Manuel Pellegrini has installed into the team since his arrival last summer. Dauntlessness from Demichelis, valour from Vinny, persistence from Pablo and skill from Samir combined delectably to shun Sam Allardyce's side, and not even Liverpool's former £55m duo of Andy Carroll and Stewart Downing could do anything to revive Brendan Rodgers' hopes of an unlikely title win.

City carried their dominance into the second half and doubled their lead within five minutes of the restart when Vincent Kompany prodded home from close range. A Samir Nasri corner rebounded off the back of 16-goal-striker Edin Džeko, but City's brilliant Belgian skipper was on hand to finish off the chance. The grin on the 28-year-old's face told its own story and the blue blood running through the defenders veins began to buzz in anticipation of another trophy lift.


(City's captain fantastic double's his sides' lead)

Marching to the tune of a jubilant Etihad roar, City continued to dance in front of West Ham United's back line but were unable to add to their two goal lead. As the final whistle sounded, a crowd of 47,000 flooded the Etihad pitch with hugs and kisses galore - Martin Demichelis receiving the brunt of the slobber after a stunning run of form.

Manchester City may not have the 'Special One', but a season of attacking perfection has proven they have the best one. One-hundred and two goals, midfield magic and commendable composure has characterised a spectacular 2013/2014 campaign for the blues and one can now assert with 100% confidence that Manchester, and the Premier League, is blue.


Player Ratings
Hart Joe Hart 6 - Booted in the mid-drift by Kevin Nolan, but that was the only action the England number one enjoyed (or didn't enjoy) in the 90 minutes. Never troubled by West Ham's attack.

Zabaleta Pablo Zabaleta 7 - Less effective than he was against Aston Villa just four days ago, but still brilliant. His tenacity characterised a professional Manchester City performance and he was able to contribute to City's attacking play as the Hammers sat back.

Kompany Vincent Kompany 7.5 - A captain's performance laced with a goal. The Belgian dealt with the threat of Carroll in stunning fashion and secured the title win with a prod early in the second half.

Demichelis Martin Demichelis 8 - Perfection, again. The Argentine capped off a run of immaculate form with yet another solid performance on Sunday afternoon and the man who had City fans tearing their hair out three months ago has now become a favourite.

Kolarov Aleksandar Kolarov 7 - Unleashed a number of corkers at Adrián's goal, but couldn't get himself on the score sheet. The Hammers did well to quell his threat down the left hand side and the Serbian couldn't really make an impact on City's attacking play.

Garcia Javi García 6 - Solid performance from the Spaniard, but he possesses a worrying ability to make every touch look difficult.

Toure Y Yaya Touré 7 - Composed display from the Ivorian who never had to assert himself fully. Everywhere on the pitch providing muscle and skill where needed.

Nasri Samir Nasri 8.5 - His opener kick started a memorable afternoon for the blues and the Frenchman shone alongside his teammates in a performance that summed up his 2013.2014 campaign. Man of the match. 

Silva David Silva 6 - One to forget for the Spaniard, but he was due a below par display after such an enchanting season.

Aguero Sergio Agüero 6 - Wasn't able to contribute in the way he did in 2012 and didn't look fit.

Dzeko Edin Džeko 6 - Like his striking partner, he wasn't able to affect the game.

Substitutes
Fernandinho 6 - Helped see out the win.

James Milner 6 - Gained some deserved minutes in a top season.

Álvaro Negredo - too late to mark.


Match Stats
Shots on target: Manchester City 7 - 0 West Ham United

Shots off target: 
Manchester City 10 - 3 West Ham United

Blocked shots: 
Manchester City 11 - 0 West Ham United

Corners: 
Manchester City 11 - 1 West Ham United

Fouls: 
Manchester City 7 - 9 West Ham United

Pass Completion: 
Manchester City 92% - 82% West Ham United

Tackle Success: 
Manchester City 50% - 32% West Ham United

Possession: 
Manchester City 63% - 37% West Ham United

Saturday 10 May 2014

Manchester City's 2013/2014 Season Defining Moments

Manchester City are a point away from securing their second Premier League trophy in two years and as my bowels begin to squirm in preparation for the clash that will leave my fingers nail-less for at least a month, I feel it's time to revisit some of the moments that have shaped such a peculiar season.

I present to you Manchester City's 2013/2014 season defining moments. 

5) 15.03.14 - 2-0 victory at the KC Stadium


It had been a miserable week for the blues who had surrendered their ambitions in both the FA Cup and Champions League and a red card shown to Vincent Kompany in the tenth minute of the game threatened to derail City's aspirations in yet another competition. The early kick-off presented Pellegrini's men with a glittering opportunity to make up points on leaders Chelsea who had played three games more, and with Mourinho's side almost certain to come out on top against Aston Villa later in the day, a slip up was unthinkable.

Fortunately, a sprinkling of Silva sorcery saw City dance to a spirited victory at the KC Stadium and an unlikely defensive partnership involving Martin Demichelis and Javi García was formed. The performance signaled City's commitment to their title push, kick-started the admirable form of Martin Demichelis and sent the blues on a four-match unbeaten run. 

4) 16.04.14 - 2-2 draw at home to Sunderland


Yes, quite possibly the worst game I've seen City play in. An encounter that lacked any sort of pace or drive from Pellegrini's title hopefuls and a very public display of the blues smothering their title bid in sh**. No Silva, no spark; No Touré, no title - or at least that's what it seemed like when Liverpool sat four points clear at the top of the table that evening. However, looking back on the result, Samir Nasri's 88th minute equaliser actually gained City a vital point in their quest for the Premier League trophy - who would have thought?

3) Beauty and the Beast


Although their electrifying relationship may have hit the rocks in the middle of the season, the 26 league goals scored between the pair this season has typified the ruthlessness of Manchester City's attack. The blues have now scored a record breaking 100 league goals, but the warning signs were advertised immediately by the beautifully beastly couple who were unfortunately separated through injury earlier in the campaign. Goals may have dried up, but their contribution can not be ignored.

2) The £30m signing of Fernandinho

The Brazilian’s arrival from Shakhtar Donetsk last June supplied City’s rivals with even more ammunition with which to mock the blues’ “excessive” spending. Largely unknown to the Premier League world, the 28-year-old holding midfielder commanded a substantial £30m fee three times the amount Juventus paid Bayer Leverkusen for Arturo Vidal in 2011 and prepared himself for the inevitable abuse his price tag would welcome.

But the bloke has proven his critics wrong in perfect style. Where Nigel de Jong would put in a crunching tackle and Gareth Barry would break up the play with a simple pass, Fernandinho has combined the two qualities with a bigger engine, an ability to carry the ball and a welcome addition of pace. The Brazilian offers a crucial barrier in front of the back four, but also provides the impetus in City’s carnivorous attacking play allowing Yaya Touré to assert his dominance in his preferred position further up the field. His box-to-box qualities relieve the defensive responsibilities of the three magicians in front of him and accommodates their focus on teasing defenders in the opposition’s eighteen-yard-box rather than fading out of the game in their own half. 

Yaya Touré has scored 20 goals this season and he has this man to thank.

1) The arrival of Manuel Pellegrini

The departure of fan, but not player, favourite Bobby Manc was always going to render Manuel Pellegrini's task of winning over the supporters an arduous one, but I think it's fair to say he's won himself a place in each and every single sky blue heart this term. The Chilean's relentless attacking football has seen the blues score a whopping 100 league goals this campaign and although he may have to nurture his defence a little more, no City fan will complain about the invigorating football that has been on show at the Etihad Stadium this season. Whatever the outcome, we thank you, Mr.Pellegrini. 


Friday 9 May 2014

Friday's MCFC Transfer News

Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger believes Manchester City should be excluded from the Champions League after they were found guilty of breaching Uefa's Financial Fair Play rules. Speaking to the Telegraph, the Frenchman announced his support for the policy and said there was 'something wrong' when a club who have broken the rules are also on the brink of winning the Premier League.

“You would think you accept the rules and you’re in the competition or you don’t accept the rules and you’re not in the competition – then everybody would understand it,” Wenger said.

“I’m a complete supporter of Financial Fair Play because I think that every business should live within its own resources like in any other activity.


(Manchester City edged closer to the title with a 4-0 win over Aston Villa on Wednesday night)

“For the punishment I think it’s a sophisticated punishment. I would like a more simple one that makes more sense but they have studied that for a very long time certainly to be in accordance with the legal side of it.

“There are rules. You respect them or you don’t respect them. If you don’t respect them you have to be punished. When Uefa doesn’t want to kick the clubs out of the Champions League they have to find a more subtle punishment. To me, and from all of us on the outside, it looks a complicated punishment.”

“Basically if you say to me tomorrow we give everybody £100 million in the 20 Premier League clubs, I say, ‘OK, I’ll take the gamble’. That is a fair competition.

“The unfair thing is the inflation can be too big and it can put too much pressure on the clubs who do not have these resources to overpay their players.”

According to the Mirror, Manchester City have joined Liverpool, Manchester United andReal Madrid in the race for Ashley Cole. The 33-year-old, whose contract expires this summer, has been offered a new one-year-deal from Chelsea but is expected to quit the club he has spent eight years at. Cole is reportedly unwilling to accept the reduced terms offered by his current club and Manchester City could make an offer which would help them comply with Uefa's Financial Fair Play regulations.


(Ashley Cole is likely to leave Chelsea this summer)

Sir Bobby Charlton has 'guaranteed' Manchester United will finish above Manchester City next season. The Red Devil's all time top goalscorer, who is also a director at Old Trafford, told the Daily Star that the balance of power will swing back in United's favour when the new season commences despite sitting 20 points behind their rivals.


(Sir Bobby Charlton believes Manchester United will eclipse Manchester City next season)

"This year has been an tremendously interesting year," Charlton said.

"We have done our best, we have changedmanager, and it has not worked.

"But next year I guarantee that we will be number one in Manchester."
In Other News

In other news, Manchester City fans have been left furious after one supporter put their ticket for the final game of the season against West Ham United up on eBay for the 'Buy It Now' option of £3,000. However, the Mirror report that FA rules deem season ticketsnon transferable, and City would be able to reject anyone who takes the seat in place of the owner.



(The ticket has now been removed from eBay)

Thursday 8 May 2014

Thursday's MCFC Transfer News

According to Talk Sport, Manchester City will battle with Arsenal for the signature of Javi Martínez. The Spaniard, signed for a club record of £31.6m in the summer of 2012, is reportedly unhappy with life under new manager Pep Guardiola whom he has only featured 17 times for this season. The 25-year-old is said to be considering his options after an uncertain season in the Bundesliga, but would still command a fee of around £30m.

Footy Latest report that Liverpool have emerged as favourites over Manchester City for the signing of Benfica winger Nicolas Gaitan. The Argentine has played a crucial role in his side's march towards the Europa League final and it is believed that a bid in the region of £20m would be enough to persuade the Portuguese outfit to sell.


(Gaitan was heavily linked with a move to Manchester United just two seasons ago)

In Other News
In other news, the Daily Mail report that Uefa are set to infuriate Manchester City by handing Paris Saint Germain a £20m one-off fine for breaching Financial Fair Play rules - £29m less than the fine placed on the blues. The move will anger City's Abu Dhabi owners, who feel harshly treated after reducing their annual losses from £98m to £52m over the past two years. City have until Friday to accept a settlement.


(Paris Saint Germain were confirmed as Ligue 1 Champions yesterday)

Wednesday 7 May 2014

Wednesday's MCFC Transfer News

According to Spanish newspaper Mundo Deportivo, Barcelona are considering a summer move for Manchester City captain Vincent Kompany. In a meeting between the club'sdecision makers, the 28-year-old was reportedly named as a top target to fill the leaky gap in the centre of Barcelona's defence. Although a move is unlikely, the Spanish giants hope they can exploit City's problems with Uefa as they await a hefty £50m fine and a possible ban from the Champions League.

The Times believe that Luis Suarez has jumped Sergio Agüero to the top of Real Madrid's wishlist after the strikers continuous battle with injury this term. The Argentine has missed almost half of the season with calf, hamstring and groin injuries whilst his South American counterpart has maintained his fitness, scoring 31 goals in 32 league appearances. The Spanish outfit are preparing to sell Karim Benzema to free up the funds required to bring the Uruguayan to the Bernabeu.


(Agüero has been unable to shake off injury this season)

In Other News
In other news, Manchester City could be expelled from next season's Champions League if they choose to fight the sanctions imposed on them by Uefa. Both Manchester City and Paris Saint Germain were hit with £50m fines for breaching Financial Fair Play rules this week, but the clubs have an opportunity to reach a settlement with Uefa's Financial Control Body. If a settlement is not agreed, a non-negotiable will be put into the hands of the adjudicatory chamber of that body.


(City are facing a nasty court battle with Uefa over Financial Fair Play sanctions)

Tuesday 6 May 2014

Manchester City v Aston Villa

                                                         

Preview
Lambert looks to play Villain in City's title bid.


'Dwight Gayle blows Liverpool's title charge off course', 'Liverpool's dreams tossed and blown by Gayle', 'Gayle force' - just a selection of headlines that administered Manchester City fan's cheeks with a strenuous workout last night. As yet another Liverpool star left the field of play in tears, an old Chilean sipped on his Cabernet Sauvignon knowing that six points from his last two games of the campaign would hand his side the Premier League title. But no team in the league wields a greater ability to mould the seemingly straightforward into the impossible, and Manchester City will have to avoid the demon that has threatened to derail their title bid all season.

Complacency; the poison that seeped into the veins of Manuel Pellegrini's men in putrid performances agains Sunderland, Norwich City, Cardiff City and Wednesday night opponents Aston Villa earlier this term, and the poison that could force yet another turn in this season's title race. Bitter reports of Manuel Pellegrini's first season 'failings' littered the national headlines in a 3-2 defeat at Anfield that now seems like an eternity ago, but if the 60-year-old is able to inject his side with an antidote, would two domestic trophies from one season be deemed such a failure?


(Manuel Pellegrini has been overlooked as Manager of the Season despite being on the brink of his second trophy in one year)

Three wins from three allied with a brace of blunders from Brendan Rodger's men has miraculously erased the night of the 16th April when the blues voluntarily threw away their title hopes in a 2-2 draw with Sunderland, but victories over West Bromwich Albion, Crystal Palace and Everton has put City within reach of their second title in two years. But unsurprisingly, the crooked nose of Uefa has been dripping over a potentially radiant week for the blues as their fabulous Financial Fair Play campaign announced it would be fining the club £50m for allegedly breaching its regulations. In a month where a blind eye has been shown to bananas being thrown at black footballers, one has to question the integrity of the footballing body and its motives.


(Manchester City are set to appeal punishments handed to them by Uefa this week)

Norwich City's 0-0 draw with Chelsea last weekend secured Aston Villa's place in the Premier League for yet another season, but a record of just one win from their last seven games does not bode well for Paul Lambert's side as they approach the Etihad. Their stale run has not been helped by the absence of 10-goal striker Christian Benteke who was ruled out of this summer's World Cup after tearing his achilles tendon in April, but a 3-1 victory over FA Cup finalists Hull City on Saturday equips Lambert's men with some impetus going into Wednesday night's fixture.

The blues were victims of a tyrannic Villa display last September when Andreas Weimann issued City with their second loss of the season in a thrilling 3-2 win. Lambert's men will be looking to play the Villains once again tomorrow evening as the Etihad greet their title chasing troops, but armed with the experience of 2012, Manuel's minions must expect to pick up the trophy on the 11th May.

Prediction: 3-0

Line Ups

Sergio Agüero has been ruled out of Wednesday night's clash after limping off with a groin injury in City's 3-2 win over Everton on Saturday which could see Álvaro Negredo partner the in-form Edin Džeko up front. However, Pellegrini's preference for a little and large combination may award Stevan Jovetić his fifth start of the season.


(Manuel Pellegrini has ruled Sergio Agüero out of tomorrow's game)

Fernandinho could return to the starting line-up after being afforded a rest at Goodison Park and the return of David Silva may also present the blues with the best possible weapon to break down their visitors. Jesus Navas is also available after recovering from an ankle injury.

Gabriel Agbonlahor and Joe Bennett miss out for the visitors.

Head to Head Stats

  • Aston Villa have not beaten Manchester City at the Etihad Stadium since 2007 when goals from John Carew and Shaun Maloney handed them a 2-0 victory
  • Since then, City have been victorious in the 6 home games since
  • In their last five home games against the Villains, City have scored 18 goals
  • City ran out 5-0 winners in last season's home fixture against Paul Lambert's side
Premier League stats
  • Manchester City (96) have scored 57 more goals than Aston Villa (39) this season
  • Villa (54) have conceded 17 more goals than City (37)
  • City (86%) have completed 12% more of their passes than Aston Villa who have only completed (74%)
  • The blues (494) have created 173 more chances than their Wednesday night rivals (321)

The 'ITK': All you need to know

It's that time of year again and the anonymous termites of Twitter have returned from a season's worth of slumber to grace us with their 'world exclusives'. Yes, I'm referring to the 'ITK' - the man 'in the know' - the name you bring up when enlightening your mates with the latest transfer stories. 

Unfortunately for you gullible lot out there, the infamous Twitter 'ITK' is usually about as reliable as Football Direct News, and each and every single one of them follow the same set of simple strategies to attract their followers. 

If you're up for acquiring yourself a few thousand naive football followers this summer, consult the five simple rules below:

1) Profile picture


Don't even think about letting people know who you are, no, that would be too obvious. A black silhouette deep in thought is always a good shout - it's mysterious, depicts intelligence and creates that agent/detective sort of persona that transfer-cravers salivate over. 

2) Display name 


Get yourself over to one of those random name generator websites - they're perfect. You want something exotic, and if not, it's got to be sophisticated. Try Felipe Lopez for the international expert, or if you're going for the English Premier League know-it-all, Edward O'Donoghue could be an option. 

If that's not your style and you just want to go all out, put 'Agent' or 'Mr' in front of your surname for a display name footy fans just won't be able to resist. 

3) Bio


Your bio is possibly the most attractive part of your Twitter account. It's a mini-CV in which you can show off your best achievements, who you write for and what you do; but in the case of the 'ITK', a number of keywords must be included:

Let people know how many contacts you have; tell people you have sources; and possibly even claim you used to work for a particular club. Those three words should rake in the followers.

4) Master your pronouns

'ITK's' are actually linguistic geniuses and their pronoun use is enough to confuse even the likes of Stephen Fry. Whether you've created the page by yourself or with a couple of mates, make sure you change it up once in a while. Below are a few samples for you to try out:

  • I have been in talks with the agent of...
  • We understand that...
  • My sources tell me...
  • Our contacts at Manchester City tell us...
5) Rumours

Finally, no successful 'ITK' account has ever made it without a good few juicy rumours. As you sign off for your hours lunch break at Asda, follow these tips to fabricate one hell of a transfer story that will have the Retweet button begging for mercy.
  • Think of a decent player e.g. Marco Reus
  • Think of a decent side with a bit of money e.g. PSG
  • Find out what his Football Manager valuation is e.g. £28.5m
  • And finally, put that all into one big sentence with those key words I mentioned above and you'll have something like this: 'My sources at PSG tell me the club have made a £28.5m bid for Borussia Dortmund forward Marco Reus'.
How easy, and believable, is that?!

So, if you're bored like Indykaila this summer, it's not hard to gain yourself a few fake friends. Just follow the tips above and make sure to slag off the newspapers when they release your story the next day!